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Mom vision

by May 14, 2015 Articles

Usually, our first presumption is you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about

“You know, we are occasionally right,” chuckled Ernie, the pond expert at our gardening center. He was referring to the fact that my spousal partner, also named Ernie, had insisted the pond fish really didn’t need feeding, and that I was just clogging our filter by throwing in food that they were ignoring anyway. Who knew.

“They can eat larvae and nibble the algae on the rocks,” said Ernie the Pond Expert.

“I think I might go home and Google this info,” I whispered to My Ernie afterwards.

“You always think everyone else is wrong and you’re right,” he whispered.

It’s true. I disagree with historical interpreters at historic sites, I’m convinced everyone is blind to how gifted my kid is, and I shout at experts on fishing shows (does anyone with their own TV fishing show actually know how to catch-and-release properly, or were the same morons who choose to jerk fish around in the air, grab them with dry hands and then release them to likely infection and death, the same guys who showed up to freak me out with their clumsy hands when I went into labor 6 years ago???!!!).

Common phrases coming from my mouth include:

“Does anyone there actually know what they’re doing?”

“Maybe I should go help. I know how to work a cash register.”

“I used to be the best the absolute best, at working the cotton candy machine. See, she’s doing it all wrong-you need to wait. You don’t keep twisting. Wait, then flip, then twist it on with another stick. More cotton candy, more air, and more stable, too. I really should take over.”

I’ve since decided this must be a mom thing. I have to say though, the one area where I’ve pulled back is vis a vis parenting. What works for us, works for us, but what works for others rarely works for us. Lord knows I get a lot of posts and emails advising me on how I can improve my parenting skills, and I think it’s turned me off proselytizing on that front. But if you wanna, by all means, keep them coming. (After all, you don’t know. Kidding!) Happy Friday.